In every issue of this fine rag the Volcano's hack team of wannabe journalists some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to help you calm down after Justin Bieber Never Say Never 3D.

This week's Ragnet takes us to the Tacoma Mall, where insanity smells like White Linen.

Enjoy. - Weekly Volcano

You want to talk about heroes? You want to talk about gut checks at the moment of truth? Then let's go to the tape, friends, by which we mean video security files from Sunday afternoon at the food court in the Tacoma Mall. Just after 2 p.m., as shoppers grazed on Ivar's fish and chips and Charley's Grilled Subs, a young man in his 20s raised his voice at a young woman, reportedly a member of his family. The fight escalated, until the man entered what The News Tribune described fairly as a "minutes-long fit of rage." It could be fairly said, in fact, that homeboy Hulked out.

The accused, Dr. Bruce Banner (not his real name), took off down the main corridor, knocking items off kiosk shelves with enough force to terrorize shoppers throughout the mall. Meanwhile, his companion, Betty Ross (not her real name), tugged at his shoulder and pleaded with him to calm down. "Don't make me angry," Banner was not quoted as saying. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

His freak-out was so intense that 911 switchboards lit up with calls about gunshots in the mall. Police spokesman Mark Fulghum told The News Tribune, "The guy was hearing voices and got upset because his family wanted him to leave. ... It sounds like he has mental problems."

Ya think?

Dr. Banner entered Macy's, bellowed something that may have been "Hulk smash," and commenced doing exactly that to bottles at the Estée Lauder perfume counter. Not long after, The News Tribune reports, "the smells of high-priced perfumes overwhelmed customers."

Banner returned to the main corridor but stopped at SDC Homes long enough to punch out a flat screen television. This act of vandalism, which required no help from Industrial Light + Magic, but much help from schizophrenia, ruined the innocent television forever. Witnesses, who were running for their lives, could not be reached for comments such as "Awesome!" and "Holy s***!"

Emboldened by his results, Banner charged HD Home Solutions and punched out an even bigger television. Security tapes reveal him screaming defiantly at terrified shoppers, but fail to explain why he was wearing purple pants.

Store employees responded quickly by locking security gates and herding shoppers into dressing rooms. At Victoria's Secret, this was viewed as surprisingly unsexy, perhaps because people were still yelling "Gun!"

That's when heroes were made, not born. Mall cops may have trailed Banner into Old Navy, but it took determined shoppers - meaning ordinary Joes - to wrestle him to the floor ... just before he could leave the mall and return to his usual, non-green human form. Security guards cuffed Banner and held him till police officers arrived. - Paul Blart, Galleria Security Correspondent