Let's just get straight to the point. Spring break is only many weeks away!

QUESTION: A bunch of friends of mine want to go on spring break. The place they suggest is in the Dominican Republic, but it seems like a dump. Reviews report timeshare salesmen hounding you, aided by hotel staff. Maids won't leave you towels unless you leave tips on the bed everyday. Many, many people get food poisoning. How do I suggest a new spring break opportunity without seeming like I'm suggesting a new spring break?

---Dominican Rhythm Problems

ANSWER: All right DRP, here's what you do. Gather everyone in a room. Hold hands, tropical-style. It'll probably go something like this ...

"THIS IS GOING to be the best spring break yet!" I chirp.

Only the best crew of buds in the world stands around me with backpacks full of grain alcohol and real U.S. passports. I punch our itinerary into my iPortal – so you know we're getting the sickest deals at off-the-hook prices.

I hit COMMENCE EXPERIENCE.  The Earth shakes as space-time is unhinged into four separate dimensions. Out of the rift emerges a mini-black hole, so we decide to enter it. Singularity is reached. We transmute through the multiverse. This is when the iPortal reconstructs us with patented technology. The sand between our toes is the last packet of information to be extracted.

Ah, sunny Cancun!

Gregg is our first mate. He throws each of us a tallboy of Foster's, like we discussed. Gregg is our first mate because he loves Foster's. You see, Foster's is Australian for beer. Gregg can get free Foster's because of his dad.

A sombrero approaches on the head of a migrant worker. "Hola and welcome to the beaches of Cancun! You must be hungry from initiating your experience. Would you like a: taco? (A) or a: nachos? (B)" This hat presents a fork in the road, leading to two different life paths. Only one leads to success, but the other is about the journey.

The sombrero buffers a little. "You have chosen nachos with cheese sauce (original recipe). Proceed to your right and enter Casa del Lobstermann's for one plate of food nachos."

Rex gets a little worried. "Only one plate? Hey bro, we're going to need at least one dozen plates, two for each member of our clan." The sombrero has already downloaded, though, so Rex is just wasting our experience.

A new upgrade is available for your iPortal. Click yes to install and restart?

I cannot believe my eyes. A big chromium pop-up blocking the beautiful sights of our tailor-made Cancun experience (read: blocking some pretty tan badonkadonk). Trent karate-chops the NO THANKS button. No sooner does it shatter into a million shards than a cute little lady walks up.

"Seasons greetings! Do you boys like catching rays?" She definitely wants to cyber.

Zeno takes this one. One thing you gotta know about Zeno, he's a master. "I want to kiss you right on those two lips."

Mama chica smiles. "Sounds rad! Would you gentlemen be interested in either: tequila belly shots? (A) or: nachos? (B)" Her boobs are so big they pixelate a little.

"I want to put my finger in your ear."

"You have selected nachos without cheese sauce (a.k.a. rock n' roll-style). Credit or Visa CreditRewardsPlus+?"

A critical upgrade has installed on your iPortal. Restart now? Remind me later?

The girl frowns. "Sorry, this Lobstermann's experience requires a direct etherwave connection. Press YES to reboot your experience? (All multiverse points will be lost.)"

No! Don't do that! Please stop it computer.

Your iPortal is now restarting. Are you sure you want throw away your fresh Lobstermann's?

But it's too late. Suddenly we're back in my parents' three-bedroom mansion with my fucking sister.

Total Lobstermann's Saved---You have saved zero plates of Lobstermann's nachos and one cup of The Lobster's Own non-alcoholic tequila drink.

My friends and I agree: this experience was two-and-a-half stars. We have to give it three because the iPortal rating utility sucks.

Next week: "It's All Over Baby Blue" is one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs. Column-wise, do these little blurbs really help or anything? The joke was old before I ever made it. You can probably expect more of the same.

Please direct all questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com